You might remember GFOTY from such ventures as ubiquitous bloffee chain, GFOTYBUCKS™, the bestselling GFOTY Deep Throat Lozenges™ and self-released hits like Boy Next Door and If You Think I’m a Bitch You Should Meet GFOTY. Hosting a “Self Development Workshop of healing and enlightenment” in London this weekend, the PC Music affiliate has taken the time to impart a few words of wisdom on how to find success and ensure you’re living your best life.
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
With the recent surge of… people getting dumped, people cheating on their signif others, animals getting mutilated by fucked up members of the public, people being allergic to trees and therefore getting hay fever, electro swing becoming more popular than ever before, black mirror in its shit entirety, never winning the lottery, and barbecues… it’s clear to see that the world is basically coming to an end. It’s a very scary realisation, and we certainly don’t need David Attenborough to be the one to tell us the world is gunna end in 50 years, we all know it, deep down… and to be honest 50 years can’t come quick enough. Or can it?
I’m GFOTY, girlfriend of the year, and recently I had a spiritual awakening… An awakening like no other awakening before. One which made me see the world in a different way. I got dumped. I sought out therapy and St. John’s wort – I tried one night stands, alcohol, starving myself and reading a book called ‘Women who love too much.” I tried EVERYTHING, absolutely everything, sadly to no avail.
I started to feel like I would never get out of this tortured rut I had seemingly got my self in to but I somehow knew what I had to do… I looked deep in to the mirror, in to my beautiful blue/grey eyes which dazzled in the light, my eyes were dazzling, and there was a lot of light. I gazed at myself for about 20 minutes whilst chanting “GFOTY is my saviour”. The more I said “GFOTY is my saviour” the better I felt, and the better I felt, the better version of myself I became…
I started to say these Mantras to myself every day and over the course of three days, and a one night stand with someone who later became my boyfriend, I started to feel much better. And this is when the LORE of GFOTY came to me.
The LORE of GFOTY is based on scientific evidence that if you say something lots of times, you start to believe it and it will come true. The trusted GFOTYS above are always listening. Don’t be fooled. Just go out and get it. And have a one night stand. It always helps.
My name is GFOTY and I’ve put together a weekend of guidance based on my LORE with workshops from mentors who can only be described as the truest form of self help gurus known to this date, and all the other dates to come.
With real life struggles and success stories from the likes of Jeremy Kale, Silent Vaping Retreats with me, myself, various Yoga techniques, and enlightening tonics to cleanse your devil souls, we have something for everyone.
So if you’re feeling lost, and you want to be found, my fellow angels, please do not hesitate to come to the LORE OF GFOTY, and remember this, GFOTY IS YOUR SAVIOUR.
Recipe for GFOTY tonic (crafted by the bets GFOTYBUCKS™ baristas around):
- Three tears
- Blue WKD
- Fizzy water
- Phone number of a hot babe
Mix all liquids together – say GFOTY is my saviour – drink the tonic – meet the babe. Relax.
The Lore of GFOTY takes place at Light Eye Mind, London on 15th-16th June – buy tickets here.